I have so very many questions. And I’m also quite certain I want none of them answered.
But alas, since my eyes were subjected to this utterly captivating trainwreck of a story, I hereby pass it on to you, forcing you to share in my mental misery.
An Indiana man has been arrested and charged with unlawful possession of a firearm after police found an illegal firearm hidden in his rectum.
Let me tap the microphone again. His rectum.
It all started when Evansville police pulled over a car at around 2 a.m on Monday morning for an obscured license plate. The vehicle was carrying 32-year-old Christopher Boyd, a criminal who’d previously been convicted of attempted murder, burglary and domestic battery. So we’re already starting off with a bang here.
When the cops began searching Boyd, they found a baggie of pain pills stuffed into his sock, which he claimed he’d nicked from an aunt to deal with the pain of having a bullet in his back. Unfortunately for the cops, that wasn’t the only firearm-related paraphernalia Boyd had tucked away on his person - nor was it the only hiding place.
Related: Ah, California: Dude on Drugs Strips Down On Disneyland Kid's Ride
After arresting Boyd, police said they noticed he was walking a little funny and seemed to be…er…clenching. He also claimed he couldn’t spread his stance due to that pesky back injury he'd mentioned earlier. But a lie detector test - and by that, I mean a full-body scan - revealed that was a lie. Instead, it showed the man had a “large object” somewhere in or around his nether region. A subsequent strip search (seriously, someone get that poor cop a raise and maybe a few days PTO, please?) revealed Boyd had a five-inch long, .380-caliber Smith & Wesson Bodyguard handgun shoved up his anal cavity. On top of that, the police also discovered two bags of weed “tucked next to Boyd’s scrotum,” according to their report.
Again, so very many questions. How? And why? Was the floorboard of the car unavailable? How’d he manage that before getting out of the vehicle? How’d be manage it at all?
Please don't answer - I'm happy to live in the rhetorical here.
Hope the Evansville police department employs a good therapist. Those poor officers might need it.
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Disneyland’s newest ride? A half-naked man high on drugs playing with wooden dolls. https://t.co/oGjf9h5p1H
— MRCTV (@mrctv) November 28, 2023