Here, at the end of the year, everyone does retrospectives. In the case of 2022, they’re pretty damned depressing (Dobbs decision and the lefty Twitter conniption excepted). So instead, I read the tea leaves and poked through the entrails of 2022 and through a rigorous scientific process used them to predict events to come in 2023.
January
- Elon Musk names J.K. Rowling as Twitter CEO.
- Democrats take up calls to ban TikTok over viral video, “How Do I Break it to My Teacher that I’m a Straight Cis Male?”
- Karine Jean-Pierre warns journalists not to look in the mirror and say “border” three times. “Just don’t,” she says cryptically.
- In State of the Union speech, President Biden announces executive actions to give every American a hard candy
- U.S. organizes a “strategic sweater lift” to get winter clothes to Europe.
February
- Canada announces citizens can be euthanized “if your hockey team loses.”
- After finding Michael Avenatti’s monogrammed bathrobe in the closet of the CNN green room, Don Lemon sobs on-air.
- In a “MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT,” Donald Trump introduces limited edition set of Trump legal team bobbleheads for “just $99.”
March
- "Trump Tracts" hit the market in time for Lent. (John 2:19: Jesus answered them, “Destroy this temple, and I will raise it again in three days, but bigger, and much classier. People are gonna say it's the best temple they've ever seen.")
- Jill Biden tells St Patrick’s Day gathering “Irish culture is as rich as a boiled potato and vivacious as the head on a pint of Guinness.”
April
- Stocks tumble when Americans notice Kamala Harris is vice president.
- House Democrats introduce bill legalizing abortion until tee ball.
- The Atlanta Braves rename chant that accompanies Tomahawk Chop “The Indigenous People’s National Anthem.”
May
- First FauciBurger franchise opens in Bethesda, MD.
- On CNN, Don Lemon warns that “Category 5 earthquakes” will become more common if U.S. doesn’t do more to fight climate change.
June
- The month of June makes it official and declares it's homosexuality. Spends the rest of itself in Provincetown, Massachusetts.
- Meghan Markle publishes “12 Months a Slave,” a harrowing memoir of her time as a Royal.
- U.S. Marines announce drill sergeants will henceforth be known as Military Life Adjustment Councilors.
Related: Huh? AOC Claims Abortion Is A Jewish Sacrament
July
- Ron Desantis kills Mickey Mouse in a knife fight. Claims self-defense.
- Elon Musk muses publicly about “buying NPR.”
- ABC’s Martha Radditz blames the Trump administration for the Mexican War.
August
- Mike Lindell announces cutback in production of “My Pillow” to ramp up Trump Beanie Baby line.
- Joe Biden names Al Sharpton special advisor on Jewish relations.
- CA Governor Gavin Newsome promises teens coming to CA seeking "gender affirming care" he will coordinate the state's rolling blackouts to make sure they're not "under the knife when things go dark. You know, like 'Uh whoops. Hope you didn't want to keep that!' Haha."
September
- In a back-to-school photo-op, Kamala Harris reads kindergartners “A Boy’s First Ball Gag.”
- Tired of being ignored, Hunter Biden’s laptop starts OnlyFans page.
- DC Comics announces new iteration of Super Man will be a “gender queer BIPOC with body acceptance issues and super-sized empathy!”
November
- Donald Trump Action Figures hit the market in time for Christmas.
- Joe Biden pardons traditional Thanksgiving Turkeys. He also pardons three pigeons and a Marine guard before aides get him inside.
December
- New York Times publishes heartwarming holiday response to a schoolchild's letter: "Yes Virginia, There is a Gender Claus."
- European children beg Santa for coal.
- Meghan Markle tells Vanity Fair her relations with Queen Elizabeth soured when Markle called the Queen “Grandma Frumpy Pants.
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— MRCTV (@mrctv) December 21, 2022