So, because I apparently wronged God at some point, I was tasked with watching the worst television show ever Tuesday night. You know it as The Real O’Neals.
On an episode titled, ‘The Real Grandma,’ just when I thought this abomination of a show couldn’t troll the depths of anti-Catholic demagoguery any more…this happened:
(OPENING SCENE: “THINGS WERE LOOKING UP AND THEN…SO GOOD TO SEE YOU”)
Grandma: I'm not tipping you because I know you're a millionaire back in your own country.
Dad: Geez, who's the crazy racist?
Daughter: Grandma.
Agnes: This is why I don't like cabs. Allowing you to live in our country is tip enough.
Son: Grandma Agnes, mother of my mother.
Mom: Jesus get the god box! Get the god box!
Son: We're pretty catholic, but we could never be catholic enough for grandma.
Mom: Pope swap. Francis down. John Paul up.
Dad: Why doesn't your mom ever call before she comes?
Mom: Because then we'd be ready. Jimmy, scatter these bibles around.
Dad: What are you wearing?
Daughter: Grandma's Easter bonnet. This hat made me 20 bucks and change on her last visit.
Son: Suck-up!
Daughter: I'm not here to make friends. I'm here to play the game.
Mom: We need to talk.
Dad: Right now?
Mom: We're still married.
Dad: In the eyes of the law?
Mom: In the eyes of my mother.
Dad: What?! You haven't told her?!
Mom: How do you tell the world's most sinless catholic, "I've decided the bible was wrong about marriage and I'm going straight to hell"?
Dad: Probably not like that.
Mom: Plus I'm not just getting a divorce. I'm divorcing the only thing she likes about me -- you. While my mother is here, please just be my husband.
Dad: Hey, wait a second. I've made a new life for myself in the basement. I grew a mustache. I eat with my hands. I make decisions without fear of criticism.
Mom: Pat, you grew a mustache. You are not a pioneer. Her visits only last two hours. Please, just go along with this. And no tickling.
Dad: What? Old women love tickling.
Mom: What?! One more thing. You're not gay. Mom! So good to see you!
Ah, yes. All those racist Catholics and they’re missions in Africa, South America, Asia, and in every major inner-city throughout America. Risking life and limb to bring food, healing, hope, and faith to people half-a-world away, in exchange for no material benefit whatsoever.
Seriously, how have we failed to see the Catholic Church as the bastion of Christian racism that it is?!