Every presidential election cycle you hear voters complain that they don't like any of the choices they've been given when it comes to the candidates who are running. Well, this year, they have nothing to complain about.
There are currently over 1,400 candidates who have officially filed with the Federal Elections Commission (FEC) to run for president. Some are fake names, registered by people who just think it's hilarious to register people like Kim Jong Un and Darth Vader as candidates for our nation's highest office. But some are actually real individuals with real platforms and -- we assume -- real presidential aspirations.
Here are some of the most colorful of the lesser-known candidates in the 2016 field:
DERRICK MICHAEL REID - (Libertarian)
Reid has an extensive "resume." Some of his past jobs, according to his website, include: "Injection Tool Designer," "Open Loop Totalitarianism Analyst," "Hierarchical Command Commander," "Political Pandering Analyst," "Military Game Designer," "Supreme Military Commander," "Human Instinctual Analyst "and "Human Mind Modeler." Among others.
He is a Civil War re-enactor and has patented dozens of inventions, including a "Footwear Sizing Database Method." This invention appears to be a sort of NSA for shoes in which "A footwear database system...determines the acceptable and best fitting size for the desired style of the footwear of a respective footwear manufacturer, and in so doing provides an automatic best fitting size selection for reducing footwear returns due to poor and uncomfortable fits."
VERMIN SUPREME - (Democrat)
You may have heard of this guy, as he has run for president several times before. Famous for wearing a boot on his head and promising to pass a law that requires all Americans to brush their teeth, Supreme is probably the best known of the alternative candidates. During his 2012 campaign he promised to give every American a free pony.
He admits that a vote for him is a vote that is "completely thrown away," possibly making him the most honest of all the presidential candidates.
POGO MOCHELLE ALLEN-REESE - ( Republican)
This former Army veteran and exotic dancer is running for two offices this year: the presidency, and mayor of the city of San Antonio.
His list of achievements qualifying him to sit in the Oval Office include having visited the birthplaces of both George Washington and Abraham Lincoln.
The centerpiece of his platform is to fight childhood obesity by getting kids to dance more. Given his past career as a stripper dancing under the stage name "Patriot Prancer," it is unclear whether this proposal will gain momentum among the parents of America's fat kids.
It gets even weirder on the next page!
DAVID JOHN SPONHEIM - (Other)
Whatever chance this guy had to become president (which was none) was completely destroyed when he decided it would be a good idea to put on "black face" and shoot a video impersonating President Obama.
His platform is largely focused on legalizing marijuana and warning Americans about the dangers of GMOs. The black face video was a setback for him, but he is still encouraging Americans to print up his campaign poster. You can simply download it from his website and "email it to your local OfficeMax, OfficeDepot, or other copy location to print on card-stock size 11" x17," then pass it out to your friends and family members.
LIMBERBUTT McCUBBINS - (Democrat)
If there's one candidate on this list that could gain some real traction in this race, it's McCUBBINS. There's only one small factor holding him back from moving into the top tier of Democratic candidates.
That's the fact that he is a cat.
Otherwise, his platform seems pretty solid. He wants to see a return of "cat space flight." He also believes in affordable health care for animals. Furthermore, unlike his Democratic opponent, Sen. Bernie Sanders, who only LOOKS homeless, McCubbins actually WAS homeless at one point before he was rescued. It's a true rags to riches story.
He does not take donations, but he does have a campaign store that sells all sorts of Limberbutt swag -- including jewelry for the lady in your life and a T-shirt for your dog. Clearly a move that shows that McCubbins is willing to reach across species lines in order to get things done.
We're not supposed to endorse candidates here at MRCTV, but I simply can't help myself. The time is MEOW, people. The time is MEOW!
